“Politeness is the art of choosing among your thoughts.”
(Madame De Staël)
The other day a friend shared a Hawaiian word that may be one of the least heard about, or least often observed, in social situations in this day and age. I thought “olu olu”, politeness or courtesy, would be a better topic to explore, or a better way to approach the theme that occurred to me initially, which was “target practice” — the human tendency to take hostages when unable to deal with one’s own problems. (Besides, as you can imagine, I couldn’t find a politically correct quote to go with “target practice”.)
Even a bad mood unwittingly affects the energy around me, much as a dark cloud casts a pall on its surroundings. If I am to be the change I wish to see in the world today, it behooves me to make a habit of owning whatever shadows I might cast.
Experience has taught me to take notice of my effect on the people around me, and vice versa, and to “choose among my thoughts” so as not to create the aforementioned pall. I set aside time each morning to take inventory of my mental-emotional state, and to address any deficits before they adversely effect my day. I record my thoughts and feelings in my journal so I can get some detachment and objectivity, an arm’s-length POV. This morning’s reflections enabled me to see how yesterday’s talk of shark sightings had filled me with an unconscious dread of joining the ocean swim this morning. I observed just how easy it is to let these fearful conversations — or other sensational news and disturbing events — sink in overnight, and then muddy my thoughts and mood when I wake up the next day. Despite not being immediately able to trace from whence they came, these impressions can produce a nebulous anxiety that in turn leads to all sorts of difficulties, such as taking hostages of the people around me, as I try to dissipate the not-so-easy-to sit-with feelings. Or even taking hostage of me, by refusing to go in swimming!
I am forever grateful for the teachings of Yasodhara Yoga and Transpersonal Psychology that help me to calm and center myself again. Restore my balance and equanimity. Journaling is key. Mantra practice is another invaluable tool. Walking meditations, visualizations, and breathing exercises are also useful aids. Daily inspirational readings offer different perspectives and expand my sense of things. Though selected at random, these readings often provide the very lesson or guidance that I need. This morning I chose a reading in Thomas Merton’s “New Seeds of Contemplation”, because I recognized that my tendency to compare and compete had set my thoughts and emotions on a negative trajectory.
This is where the notion of hostage taking, or “target practice” come into the picture. If I am experiencing particularly low self-esteem, if my mood runs towards negativity, if some unresolved frustration or disappointment lands on my plate, I run the risk of venting these feelings on a convenient, undeserving hostage. This is what contemporary psychology calls “displacement”. A version of coming home from a bad day at the office and kicking the dog. Today’s reading spoke succinctly to that problem:
“He has planned to do spectacular things. He cannot conceive of himself without a halo. And when the events of his daily life remind him of his own insignificance and mediocrity, he is ashamed, and his pride refuses to swallow a truth at which no man should be surprised.”
This denial of one’s “flawed humanity” is what often gives rise to displacement, the unconscious defense mechanism that the ego erects to protect itself from shame or disgrace. “When we use displacement, our mind senses that reacting to the original source of our frustration might be unacceptable—even dangerous [including to our self-esteem, if not also our ego]. Instead, it finds us a less threatening subject that can serve as a safer outlet for our negative feelings.” (Verywell Mind website)
Certainly I am familiar with such pride as Merton describes. It’s a denial of what should be so obvious: I am intrinsically flawed, as are we all, and furthermore, being flawed is not a problem. Our task is to just let go of a need for perfection and the compulsion to rate oneself as better or worse than anyone else. Simply recognize and acknowledge our flaws, and accept ourselves and others with compassion and tolerance.
Merton’s conclusion offers an appealing alternative to displacement and hostage-taking:
“Having given up all desire to compete with other men, they suddenly wake up and find that the joy of God is everywhere, and they are able to exult in the virtues and goodness of others more than ever they could have done in their own. They are so dazzled by the reflection of God in the souls of the people they live with that they no longer have the power to condemn anything they see in another. Even in the greatest sinners they can see virtues and goodness that no one else can find. As for themselves, if they still consider themselves, they no longer dare to compare themselves with others. The idea has now become unthinkable. But it is no longer a source of suffering and lamentation: they have finally reached the point where they take their own insignificance for granted.”
That sounds a lot like olu olu, to me. The courtesy of giving others the benefit of the doubt. The wisdom of seeing that we are all imperfect to some degree or another. The politeness of choosing our thoughts and actions accordingly.
And the humility of taking my own insignificance for granted.
Besides, I don’t even own a dog.