HILINA’I PONO’I: Self-belief

“Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.” (Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr)

The above, oft-quoted phrase commonly translates to: “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”

I respectfully disagree.

This week several members of our family were reunited in Hawaïi after a long COVID hiatus. During this time I have had many months of separation from my family, while still leading a full life in Hawaïi, which has enabled me to see that I am not just the roles that once defined me. I am not just a wife and mother, nor a yoga aspirant and teacher. Those roles defined me in context with other people, whereas I’ve come to see who I am alone, with myself, “in the dark woods” as Dante would say. I’ve come to see that I’m a soul having a human experience, and currently that experience is a reunion with some of the people who give my life heart and meaning. And occasional “blood, sweat and tears”!

This morning, in an attempt to create a semblance of order amidst the clutter of pool toys, soggy swimsuits, rusting matchbox cars, various and assorted hats, UV shirts, mismatched socks and flip flops, I picked up a familiar pair of swim goggles that I thought I’d worn not long ago. Wondering why I’d relegated them to the “community property (or might-be-useful-junk) bin” I inspected them more closely and spotted multiple small scratches on the plastic eye-pieces. Marks made before I realized that the goggles I’d absent-mindedly handed to one of our ten grand-toddlers, had served as an effective, albiet expensive teething toy. Oy.

Something about this simple reminder of times past prompted me to reflect on how our family has grown in numbers and stages, and to ask myself, through all these changes, if I am the same person I have always been. Aside from physicality, how substantially have I changed as I aged? Who am I today, after the aforementioned COVID hiatus? Who, indeed, are you?

A few years ago I wrote a memoir that catalogued the turning points in my life, and particularly, how I came to be on what I consider a spiritual journey. The memoir, begun on the eve of my sixty-fifth birthday, marked a sort of rite of passage, in which I explored what had steered me to an in-depth, twenty-plus year study of Eastern philosophy, psychology and spirituality, and then to abruptly veer away from what was, by that time, very much a part of my identity. With the aid of a brilliant writing coach and personal historian I was able to distill what the Buddha describes as the first of his seven dharma (or wisdom-mind) tenets:

“Having a sense of oneself means knowing your strengths and weaknesses in terms of conviction, virtue, learning, generosity, discernment, and quick-wittedness. In other words, you know which qualities are important to focus on, and can assess objectively where you still have more work to do.” (Tricycle: The Buddhist Review)

This blog is part of the work I still have to do. Through it, I aim to articulate for myself what social commentator David Brooks, in his Moral Bucket List, deems a “settled philosophy about fundamental things.” His article helps me discern the essential elements of a life well-lived, a potential best-fulfilled. And, most importantly, to determine what sort of legacy I hope to leave.

An essential element of the legacy I hope to leave my family is a certain degree of self-confidence, or self-belief. Having spent much of my life deferring to what outside ’experts’ (parents, teachers, peers, the media) told me I should be or believe, it wasn’t until my mid-sixties that I realized there is no greater authority in-or-on my life than me. I am responsible for the choices I have made, and must bear the consequences of the actions I have taken. This requires some degree of self-belief. I have to trust that I have acted in good faith and am willing to grow and change, admit and learn from my mistakes. Hence I chose to focus this week on the Hawaiian term “hilina’i pono’i”, the trait or quality of self-belief. In the words of Hawaiian cultural specialist Luana Kawa’a:

“Literally, hilina’i translates as to believe, trust; to lean on, rely on; confidence. Sometimes in life we can feel defeated. Especially in these trying times, it can be hard to believe that things will get better. Even in the midst of challenges we must hilina’i — believe. Believe that things will improve. Believe that there is hope. Hilina’i also means to trust and lean on. It is so important to surround ourselves with people we can lean on and trust with complete confidence. Friends and family that can be the ko’o, support posts we need to lift us and at times, even carry us through.”

One of the (many) meanings of pono’i reads as follows: “In Hawaiian culture, if a person is living pono, it means that they have struck the right balance in their relationships with other things, places, and people in their lives. It also means that they are living with a continuous conscious decision to do right by themselves, by others, and by the world in general.” (Mary Kawena Pukui and Samuel Hoyt Elbert’s Hawaiian Dictionary)

Google Translate offers “hilina’i pono’i” as the translation for “self-confidence”, so it follows that there will be times when one must be able to “believe, trust; lean on, rely on, have confidence in” ONESELF.

This is the greatest change or shift that I have made as I aged. To not only believe in myself, be my own authority, but to have created, through leading an examined life, a “settled philosophy” about what, for me, has heart and meaning. Though there are still times spent wandering in that figurative dark woods, I know what qualities to focus on, and how to see what still needs to change in order to become the best me that I can be.

Now to find a decent pair of swim goggles.