A yogini at large

BLOG 144
April 15, 2025

TALISMANS AND AMULETS

“Talismans are closely linked with amulets, fulfilling many of the same roles, but a key difference is in their functions. An amulet protects a person or possession against evil forces while a talisman provides good fortune.” (Wikipedia)

On my final ocean swim prior to flying home, I dutifully strapped on the shark bracelet that a fellow swimmer gave me, “because you spend so much time in the water”, and the word talisman popped into my head, though I wasn’t entirely sure what it meant. Upon further investigation, I learned that “amulet” was the name I was looking for, unless I could ascribe to the bracelet the good fortune of not getting attacked by one of the local niuhi (you can look it up.)

In any case, I began to contemplate the less strict applications I make of talismans and amulets in daily living. Along with wearing the shark bracelet for protection while ocean swimming, I also wear any number of bracelets, rings or even certain colors of clothing to “bless and make straight the way.” I have a micro mosaic ring of a dove that I bought in Florence in 1968 that, after a few decades submerged in a box of costume jewelry, I rediscovered and now wear as a symbol for the St. Francis Prayer which, in turn, I mentally repeat to remind me of my desire to be a channel of peace.

Upon further examination, I realize that much of what I wear and even keep in proximity to me reflects a deeper intention or carries a particular meaning known only to me. You probably do this too, consciously or otherwise, because much of what we do as humans stems from a desire to avoid ill and/or attract good fortune.

To bring these unconscious reasons to consciousness gives me more clarity about what my thoughts and feelings are attracting, or repelling. For example, I frequently wear a hematite bracelet that my friend Pam, a crystal enthusiast, tells me is for grounding my energy. She has given me several different bracelets and from which I choose according to whatever energy I wish to attract or quality I wish to embody. Contrary to feeling like a superstitious hypochondriac, (though a part of me definitely does think that) I prefer to see this behavior as creating tangible reminders of my best intentions.

When I rode in the Lavaman relay I wore a bright flamingo-print biking jersey to convey the spirit of fun and frivolity that I shared with my recently deceased friend Debi. It was her indomitable courage and optimism that motivated me to train and compete in the race.

So what am I trying to say?

There are so many causes for fear and frustration in our world — not to mention conflicting thoughts in my own mind — that I need all the help I can get to stay positive and motivated on any given day. Each morning I drop into my journal any cares or concerns that might negatively affect my mood, and my ability to respond vs react to the people or events around me. I liken it to checking my gas tank before a long drive, have I got enough energy to carry me through whatever I’m determined to do? My mantra practice helps me implement my plans or simply ground my energy.

Along with all the hacks and practices I’ve shared in this blog over the years (Yes! It’s been almost FIVE since my first installment!) I’m offering the simple suggestion that you select an item of jewelry to represent a quality or ideal you wish to cultivate. When you wear this amulet you make a conscious choice to invite that energy into your mind and body.

The more concrete or tangible you can make your ideals, the better you can embody these qualities, and attract the people and circumstances that help make these ideals real.

Aum Namah Sivayah

PS every time I see this zippy 🦩 icon I remember that, with discipline and persistence, I can do whatever I set my mind to. Within reason…

BLOG 143

April 7, 2024

WHO MOTIVATES THE MOTIVATOR

“Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation: What’s the Difference?Intrinsic motivation is the drive to engage in activities because they are inherently interesting or enjoyable, rather than for external rewards or pressures, stemming from internal desires like personal satisfaction or curiosity.” (AI Overview)

This morning the slamming of a door reminded me of a friend’s tale of a mother tying a string of floss around a child’s loose tooth, tying the other end to a doorknob, then slamming the door to ‘liberate’ the tooth. I’m thinking this is more of an urban legend than something anyone’s mother would actually do. Either way, I see a glaring flaw in this strategy: what happens if the tooth flies away and is never seen again? What to leave for the tooth fairy? A proxy tooth? Not to mention the nervous anticipation of such an event. Or, what happens if the tooth doesn’t fall out? I’d be all for letting nature take its course and deal with the orthodontic implications later.

Anyway, I see all this as a microcosm of extrinsic versus intrinsic motivation. Extrinsic: someone else pulls the tooth. Intrinsic: delayed gratification from the tooth fairy. That may be a bit of a stretch, but
one my personal strategy for achieving goals is a combination of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. While no external reward is forthcoming when I’m attempting to set a goal that is “good” for me but which I’m not self-disciplined enough to meet, I tell so many people about it that I either have to follow through or have a lot of explaining/rationalizing or walk-of-shaming to do.

Such was what was operating when I signed up for the Lavaman relay. After a couple of years of not riding my bike, I needed a reason to get back in the saddle, or sell this relatively expensive piece of equipment. Or three. Being accountable to a team made all the difference. I learned that not letting others down is a form of extrinsic motivation, but there are degrees of accountability. And creative excuses abound if one is not fully intrinsically committed. The goals I set for myself were reasonable but not negotiable. I knew what type of workouts to do and when to do them.

My previous training default was to just go biking whenever my hubby went. And do some cross training (yoga, swimming) on the side. That worked the last time I did the race eight years ago. But hubby was injured so I was ultimately forced to bike alone on a highway with a disconcerting history of fatalities. After a recent accident that took the lives of two well-known island residents, most of my (few) local riding buddies were disinclined to risk it. A major victory of intrinsic motivation came when I swallowed my fears and just. did. it.

There were other sacrifices to be made, too. Activities that I enjoyed doing, and which were arguably more beneficial, had to be shelved while must-do biking sessions took precedence.

And always there was the internal chatter of crippling self-doubt that has its roots in a lack of self-confidence and/or worrying what others might think of me: “I’m too old. You look foolish! Know your limits, Janet. What are you trying to prove? And if I crater now, if I don’t do it after all, how can I explain this to my blog Ohana?”

Through all that game of mental ping-pong I just kept doggedly following the routine I set out for myself. It wasn’t particularly demanding. But it was a major time commitment. Every workout I pushed another boundary, the benefit of which was reaped only by me. In the end, regardless of how others see me, it was the victory over my inner saboteur that will yield the greatest long-term benefit for me.

All types of motivation aside, it boils down to the simple fact that I only disappoint myself if I let my maniacal inner roommate drive my life. Having prevailed over some of the strongest attempts at sabotage that I’ve confronted in a long time, I am experiencing a renewed sense of self-respect and self-confidence. I’m determination to set new goals just to strengthen that sense of victory. I may even make a goal or two that I keep to myself, just to know, unequivocally, who motivates the motivator.

Now to get that cup of mixed nuts that I promised myself if/when I finished this blog!

BLOG 142
March 31, 2025

POWER TRIPPING
(think banana peels…)

“When we think about cooperating with our own evolution, we have to think about how much we all want power. We all want to control. Well, begin with controlling your destiny. That’s the step to begin with. How much can you control yourself? You may control a whole army, but that doesn’t mean anything if you can’t control yourself. You can see that in politics. Presidents of countries have a lot of power and they try to exercise enormous control. But if there is no control of self, all the power that can be exercised somewhere else doesn’t mean a thing. It leads to your own undoing. You either fall from your high position, or you get sick, or you have some other destiny that brings you down.” (Swami Sivananda Radha Time to be Holy)

Biking on the Queen K Highway with our eldest son today, I came up with a literal example of the kind of cooperation I find lacking in today’s “political” climate. In road biking there’s a term called drafting, which is a technique wherein a cyclist rides close behind another cyclist to reduce wind resistance, and conserve energy. On the home stretch of a longer-than-usual ride (I like the cafe atmosphere at the Auberge in Mauna Lani better than at Starbucks in Waikoloa Beach) I was lagging in energy and regretting my chai-break preference. So I tucked in behind our son and was “pulled” the last few miles of the ride. While at it, I thought of my personal mantra:

“Nobody wins unless everybody wins.”

My son could’ve easily left me in the dust and claimed some dubious victory (after all, I am a “little old lady”) but the cooperation of drafting meant that we both enjoyed a sense of accomplishment. This is not generally what I see in Western society, or in politics, in specific. What I’m lately witnessing is a society built largely on competition and greed, (no less so than in our national leaders) with power being consolidated in the hands of fewer and fewer people. Hillevi Ruumet ascribes these self-interested behaviors to our lower nature or first three chakras. But history teaches that such a myopic view of power and control creates a trap of its own:

Swami Radha writes:

“Emperors and presidents of powerful countries have the fear as well as the admiration of the world, but what does it give them in return? Look at what they have. They are not even safe in their own homes. They need a whole battery of bodyguards around.” (Self-Worth, Time to be Holy)

The wiser use of power and control is in mastering one’s own personality aspects, and their attendant egos. If I have an aspect that craves attention, or insists on being right at all times, I will stand little chance of evolving beyond my lower three chakras. Ruumet believes this evolution to a more collaborative, heartfelt or altruistic approach is “crucial to our survival through the 21st century”. In her helical model of psychological and spiritual development, Ruumet explains that each of our seven chakras relate to certain tasks to be mastered — and attributes to be recruited — as we learn to navigate our world with ever-increasing courage, character and awareness. One such attribute is the capacity for honest self-witnessing.

A constructive use of our time would be to regularly reflect on our words and actions and assess what we might change, what might stand improvement, and/or what we might continue to do. We needn’t necessarily go looking for “growth opportunities”. Life has a tendency to confront us with our shadow stuff, are we but willing to examine our motives and own our role in whatever problems present themselves. The key to cooperating with our spiritual evolution, or leading an examined life, is a combination of studying the wisdom traditions, cultivating our intuition and applying the lessons learned through daily reflection to our journey in life.

In such a way, we can lead by example, or, as Swami Radha says of a Divine Mother handmaiden: “help others strengthen their faith and have the courage to keep going”.

And remember: karma is the ultimate b***h.

BLOG 141
MARCH 17, 2025

SANCTUARY

“The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives.” (Albert Einstein)

Swimming laps of backstroke in an outdoor pool today, I observed a graphic illustration of what it’s like to go from the calm and quiet of a meditative state to the mental noise of conflicting thoughts and the usual barrage of external “problems”. With my ears immersed in the water I silently enjoyed the view of robin’s egg blue sky, watching the cotton-ball clouds drifting by and allowing myself to relax into the calming buoyancy of the water. I think of how children are able to lose themselves gazing into “outer space” — especially when there’s chores to be done — and wonder if that’s what Einstein was thinking of.

Turning over to do the front crawl was another story altogether; the loud snarling of a nearby chainsaw ripped through the morning quiet and instantly threw me into a very different mood. If that cranky mood is allowed to persist, it will no doubt affect everyone I come in contact with. I learned a quote yesterday that sums up this phenomenon:

“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until it gets so ugly you can hardly bear to look at it. A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stuck-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out from your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” (Roald Dahl, The Witches)

With such a suggestion in mind, I spent some time thinking of ways that I can emanate those sunbeam-y rays. I often mentally repeat the words of the St. Francis prayer before settling to bed, or any time I wish to quiet my emotions and set positive intentions:

“Make me a channel of thy peace. Where there is hatred let me sow your love. Where there is injury your pardon Lord, and where there’s doubt true faith in thee.

“Make me a channel of thy peace. Where there’s despair in life let me sow hope. Where there is darkness let me sow your light. And where there’s sadness, ever joy.

“Oh master grant that I may never seek, so much to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love with all my soul.

“Make me a channel of thy peace. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned; in giving unto all that we receive, and dying grow into eternal light.” (End quote)

By steeping myself in such a prayer I believe I have some agency, however small, in making the world a better place.

Seeking, creating and sharing beauty are other ways to brighten someone’s day. A kind word. A small (sincere) compliment. A selfless gesture. An attentive ear when I sense a need to be heard. Honoring others’ right to their own truth, but knowing that there’s often a truth behind a truth keeps me from jumping to conclusions.

In these and other ways I strive to create a sense of sanctuary within and around me. There’s no room in such a sanctuary for ugly thoughts, no matter how justified they seem at the time. Or for lies and self-justifications. Honest self-reflection helps me remove the dust and clutter that dim my inner light, along with the layers of bias and conditioning that no longer serve me.

Last but not least, it takes a profound humility to accept and forgive my own and others’ imperfections. Admit and make amends for my mistakes. And vow to do better the next day.

Oh. And celebrate my victories, however small, with Justin’s organic dark chocolate peanut butter cups.

BLOG 140
March 9, 2025

THE END GAME

“The final stage of some process, as in ‘The book discussed the diplomatic end game resulting in the treaty’. This term, dating from about 1880, comes from chess, where it denotes the stage of a game when most of the pieces have been removed from the board. In the mid-1900s it began to be transferred to other activities.” (Dictionary.com)

While whale watching yesterday morning I learned how to spot what is sometimes called the “footprint”, a patch of extra-smooth water that remains after a whale dives from the surface into the depths. The amount of time a whale stays in the depths varies with maturity, the older whales staying under for fifteen to twenty minutes on average, while baby whales come up for breath much more often. Despite the fact that a whale can travel great distances from its “footprint” until it next resurfaces, I often find myself staring at that footprint and willing the whale to come surging out of the water at the same approximate spot. Hopefully to perform a spectacular breach. More often than not, the whale surfaces a few hundred yards away, and can easily be missed if I’m mesmerized by its footprint. Otherwise known as living in the past.

Swami Radha talks about journaling as a way to track one’s footprints, with a view to learning from past words and actions so as not to perpetuate our mistakes. Catching myself in this somewhat fruitless pattern of focusing on traces of a retreating whale sparked the insight that I might (just possibly) be doing the same backwards-glancing in other facets of my life. How often do I catch myself ruminating about a past experience such that I fail to experience the present moment? Unresolved issues, or unfinished business (karma) can set me up for a pattern of perpetuating my mistakes, or in some way resurrecting past situations that have yet to be resolved.

What to do when that happens? What would be the point of reflecting regularly on daily events? To what “end game” or aim does one cultivate a consistent spiritual practice? As in chess, where precedents have been laid by earlier manœuvres, so too, at a certain stage of life the die seems cast by the cumulative effect of past words and actions. Though they say it’s never too late, what gives one the incentive to change? And can we voluntarily cooperate with our evolution, or fulfill our potential for growth, without having to experience the cosmic 2×4 that rudely shakes us out of our complacency? And once that wake-up call has been heard, how to go about responding?

Building on the advice that I heard repeatedly at Yasodhara Ashram, I have taught myself to “take it into my practices”. Take my confusion and/or sorrow, my grudges and/or resentments into my reflections, and enhance my clarity through any number of centering practices.

One such practice bears mentioning here. Called “functioning from my heart center”, this practice is a walking meditation aimed at lifting energy from the lower three centers — the first, second and third chakras — to the fourth, or heart center, where the self-centeredness of ego gives way to other-centeredness, the altruism of a wisdom that nobody wins unless everybody wins. While this may sound naive in the extreme, it is not unachievable. And it is the last great hope of a civilization that seems bent on self-destruction.

To perform this practice one stands with the hands cupped gently in the space just below the navel. The hands then lift an imaginary ball of healing light up to chest level, and then rounds the arms forward, up and out to describe an ever-expanding circle that concludes back below the navel. This motion is repeated while walking at a gentle pace and reciting the mantra silently or aloud: “I am functioning from my heart center, I am functioning from my heart center”, etc. As we do so, we visualize ourselves drawing up any negative emotions or stagnant energy from our lower centers and transforming them in this ball of healing light, then sharing with the world our positive intention. In such a way we are more capable of transcending the ego and responding objectively and constructively to whatever life presents.

At this stage of my life, where “most of the pieces have been removed from the board”, (including several nice but non-essential bits and bobs) I subscribe to the approach of Swami Radha:

“I have often said in a prayer, “My mind is so clever, it can interpret anything in any way it wants. Make it so that I won’t have that chance. Make it very clear, with no question about it.” If it’s too tough, then it’s a matter of humility to say, “I need help to see this. Please help me.” Otherwise, you could really ruin the rest of your life.

“I have been hammering at conscious cooperation for many lifetimes. Sometime, if you really want to understand and know, you may find out more about your life and how many lives have converged into this one to give you this chance to undo, to rebuild, and to build entirely anew.” (Ch. 41, “Karma”, Time to be Holy)

Aum Namah Sivayah,

Otherwise known as “happy hammering” to you…

BLOG 138

THE RIPPLE EFFECT

“Ring the bells that still can ring; forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in.” (Leonard Cohen, “The Future” album, 1992)

The other morning I sat by the pool to do my centering practices. It’s a small pool by most standards, but tiled a deep marine blue, it’s glassy surface reflecting trees and sky, it makes an ideal symbol of the equanimity for which I strive in my daily reflection time. As I pondered today’s message, a dragon fly briefly skimmed the surface of the pool, creating small ripples that I tried to mimic by gently lobbing a shell into the water and snapping the photo you see at the top of this blog. This photo is a graphic illustration of the ripple effect I wish to explore as today’s topic. But first, a word about the colour blue.

The AI overview description of royal blue offers the following:

• Trustworthiness: In color psychology, royal blue is associated with trust and reliability.
• Tranquility: Royal blue’s ties to the sky and sea bring calmness and tranquility.
• Confidence: Royal blue’s richness implies stability and confidence.

Trustworthiness, tranquility and confidence are complementary to equanimity, and are qualities that I want to emanate in the direct, tangible ripple effect that my energy has on my surroundings.

From experience, I know that if I am in a mad/bad/sad mood, regardless of what I say or do, my energy will have a way of dampening the spirits, or lowering the vibration of those around me, just as the ripples on the water will inexorably continue until they contact the pool coping. Likewise, if I am in a buoyant mood, the energy generated will stir something uplifting in others, whether they sense it immediately or not, the way a crocus bravely pokes up between a crack in the pavement. Or the sun pops out from behind a cloud.

The reason I do a centering practice is that I want whatever energy that emanates from me to be part of the solution versus part of the problem, of which there seem to be So. Very. Many.

“John Simpson of the BBC noted that “there are years when the world goes through some fundamental, convulsive change” and that 2025 is on track to be one of them: “a time when the basic assumptions about the way our world works are fed into the shredder.” (Heather Cox Richardson “Letters From an American”, March 1, 2025)

Before we get into the shredder, it might do well here to expand on the word vibration, one definition of which is: “a feeling or impression that someone or something gives off — usually used in plural ie. good vibrations.” Good vibrations can be generated through recited affirmations, or especially via mantras (that, if interested, you might wish to pursue on the internet or YouTube). The mantra Hari Om, is used to invoke the power of healing and relieve suffering; Om Namah Sivayah, invokes humility, emotional stability, and overcoming obstacles. Om Tara Tuttare invokes compassion and understanding. Om Krisha Guru is a call for a wise teacher or guide. Like hymns sung in Christian gatherings, all of these Sanskrit mantras are tools handed down from ancient seers and sages to help us cultivate the positive vibrations and attributes that can help us cope with this current of convulsive change.

In the yoga of healing, Swami Radhananda encourages her readers to recruit whatever healing powers they possess or can access:

“The power in healing is that even if we are in a painful situation, we don’t flinch. We incorporate, we embrace. As we live through these experiences we note the pain, our reactions and our resolve to be clear, to learn and do our best in the situation. Whatever we can do to heal keeps the learning positive and supportive. In doing so, we gain a sense of victory, and an understanding of what life is all about.”

My centering practices may vary depending on specific situations, but in whatever form, they are indispensable to my sense of purpose, hope, and stability in a rapidly changing world.

P.S. When we moved to our condo a couple of years ago I shredded about twenty-five years’ worth of spiritual journals. I originally kept them thinking they’d make interesting reading when I was too old to do anything but read about who I used to be. They were hugely embarrassing. If that experience is anything to go by, a bit of selective shredding might prove to be a very good thing…

BLOG 138

EQUANIMITY

“Equanimity, known as the balance born of wisdom, is considered the secret sauce of spiritual practice. It infuses our compassion with wisdom and puts our mindfulness practice into context. Equanimity helps us to stay engaged with life without becoming overwhelmed by it.” (Google AI Overview)

With all that is going on in the world, it’s difficult to not become overwhelmed. What we see playing out in the media, or even closer to home between people and places we know, can pose an insurmountable obstacle to inner peace, harmony and ease of well-being. Not to mention one’s capacity for objectivity. Fueled by fear or a sense of impotence, conversations can become heated even when agreeing with one another.

What we often fail to see and/or register is the inner landscape or stage upon which these external events are playing. Our perception and/or interpretation of things done or said, heard or read has a tremendous impact on our response (or reaction) to what’s happening externally. And once in a reactive state, it’s hard to get the horses back into the barn, so to speak. I sometimes catch myself jumping to conclusions and getting into a “lather” before I’ve taken time to gather all the facts. In such a state I’m at risk of making regrettable —if not irredeemable— mistakes.

To avoid the latter fate I take into my spiritual practices whatever issue happens to excite my emotions and knee-jerk reactions. I ask myself what prevails when I get hot under the collar, versus what prevails when I stay objective, rational and calm? And once triggered, how do I get from “here” to “there”?

Recently I have witnessed the sad demise of a relationship between two people who mean a great deal to me. To mitigate the sadness, uncertainty or frustration it is tempting to pick a side, choose a villain or scapegoat on whom to project the blame. But it’s never that simple. Over decades of being my own psychological and spiritual laboratory, I have learned that my emotions say more about me than what’s happening between other people. When I first give vent to my thoughts and feelings in my journal I am better able to step back and catch my ego in action. And even my ego is not the enemy I once thought it to be. All too often my ego is just trying to defend against whatever it perceives to be a threat to my safety, security and sense of belonging. My knee-jerk reactions stem from a desire to defend who or what I think is right. And what I think is right is often tied up in what I believe will keep me safe, accepted, and a viable member of whatever I deem (or aspire) to be my tribe.

The problem with wanting to belong in a particular tribe is that our fear of rejection can easily be perverted into an “us versus them” mentality, one in which we drink the Kool-aid so as not to diverge too greatly from an accepted, collective mindset. One that, while promising our inclusion in the group, can come at the expense of our individual potential. As Ruumet writes:

“How often do people unconsciously place limits on their inner development or level of outer achievement in order to not violate (too much) the suitable family “ceiling” to what is “possible” or what the family [or kinship group] can tolerate without consigning the deviating member into psychological exile?”

Otherwise known as sticking with the devil we know.

To cultivate equanimity is to build the patience, tolerance, acceptance and compassion necessary to ride out the waves of fear or insecurity that accompany any venture into the unknown. This is also the nature of the spiritual journey. It is not to be undertaken lightly. It will call into question what we have long been conditioned to believe. But by the same token, it guards us from the stagnation of complacency.

Ignorance is bliss only so long as we can keep the blinders on.

Aum Namah Sivayah

BLOG 137
February 17, 2025

LEAVE IT ON THE ROAD

“Resist that which resists in you” means to actively confront and work against the internal barriers or negative patterns within yourself that are holding you back from growth, progress, or achieving your full potential; essentially, it encourages self-awareness and taking action to overcome your own inner resistance…This phrase is often attributed to the Bhagavad Gita, a Hindu scripture, where the character Krishna advises Arjuna to “resist that which resists in you” to overcome internal obstacles and fulfill his duty. (Google AI Overview)

Today’s bike ride reminded me of something a friend and informal cycling coach said a long time ago. On that particular ride, my first on Vancouver’s hilly north shore, I had lost track of the group when it made a left turn at a fork in the road. I forked right and almost immediately ended up on the multi-lane Sea to Sky Highway, too terrified to turn back and ride up the steep ramp against the traffic. I ended up retracing my way on foot to the overpass that I’d originally missed, urged on, somewhat unflatteringly, by a peanut gallery of my fellow riders. Mentally complaining that nobody had stayed back to show me where to go, my inner whining was cut short by my erstwhile coach’s admonishment: “Leave it on the road!” She explained that the less time I spent ruminating about that negative experience, the less strongly it would affect any future rides.

Having already blogged about the time I was knocked out of my previous Lavaman relay (in 2017), I am well aware that the memory of that negative experience is still effecting my commitment (or lack thereof). Despite having two great teammates, I have yet to sign up for this year’s race. In fact, last night I told a couple of family members that I’d decided not to enter; training was taking up too much of my time, and, with just over six weeks to go, I had yet to ride the whole distance without stopping.

Today that changed.

With only a two hour window before heading to a farmer’s market that ran from 8:00—10:00 a.m., three of us set out to do the race distance at 6:30 this morning. Foregoing our usual coffee/chai break wasn’t the hardship I thought it might be. Before we even started, I realized that this was a sort of do-or-die Rubicon. If we’d not done the complete course it would be one more nail in the coffin of my race aspirations. My humblingly slow speed didn’t bother me; it had never been about winning so much as getting in shape, doing something I thought I would never do again. Challenging negative thoughts and self-talk. And getting a shot of those feel-good endorphins known as a runners’ (also cyclists’) high.

Only latently did I realize that having a hip replacement put me at a psychological as much as a physiological disadvantage. Physically, I know I’m strong enough to tough it out. I proved that by completing the course yesterday morning. Yet at every minor setback (I had had a broken spoke a few days earlier and needed to hitch a ride home) I heard the inner saboteur’s “I’m too old for this; I don’t even know how to change a tire; What am I trying to prove, anyway?” all of which sounded like valid reservations.

The fact is, at some point one has to recognize and accept one’s limitations. At nearing 75, I’m notably slower both on and off the bike. I need a couple of days vs a couple of hours recovery time after a harder ride. I do know how important it is to have goals, but might these need to be adjusted to different ages and stages?

In the AI Overview I read further:

“When faced with a necessary life change that feels uncomfortable, “resisting that which resists in you” means pushing past your initial resistance and embracing the potential for growth.”

I begin to wonder if a resistance to “aging gracefully” isn’t what I need to push against in order to grow. And how would I know? I decided to make a pact with what I call my divine committee, or intuitive wisdom, that I will persist in my training in good faith, and if competing in the race is truly not in my best interest, then may the message to change course be obvious. To leave it on the road means letting go of my mental resistance and second-guessing, and just giving it my very best effort.

As Roy Roger’s would say: “Happy trails to you, until we meet again”!

P.S. I’m thinking of painting my bike silver…

BLOG 136

THE SPIRAL DANCE

“And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game”

(Joni Mitchell “The Circle Game”)

For the past week I’ve had an annoying ear worm of the above lyrics. It pops into my head uninvited so frequently that I finally decided that if I couldn’t beat it (out of my head) I could at least join it (in today’s blog).

I find it interesting that Joni Mitchell’s lyrics echo what Hillevi Ruumet writes in Pathways of the Soul about the evolution of consciousness. Ruumet describes the Spiral Dance of psychological and spiritual development as a helical model (think DNA diagrams) in which an individual progresses from lower to greater levels of awareness not in a straight trajectory but in a series of advances and returns the way one might ascend or descend a winding staircase. In both Ruumet’s more Western and the Eastern spiritual philosophies (Hindu Vedanta, Buddhism) we are told that the individual journey follows a series of cycles or steps that could be equated with a dance between Ego (and the lower levels of awareness that it represents), and the Higher Self (or transpersonal realm) that is beyond our individual mind and body but is still very much ‘with’ us.

In Ruumet’s model, the lower three levels (or chakras, in Kundalini yoga) correspond with matters of security and survival (1st), kinship circles (2nd) and personal agency or power (3rd chakra). In an ideal world we would graduate from these three developmental or evolutionary stages having fully understood the lessons and learned the necessary skills to lead healthy, productive and well-adjusted adult lives. In the real world, we seldom graduate to the higher levels of awareness without leaving what Ruumet calls “trailers” behind. Thus the psycho/spiritual journey is one of going back and clearing up old baggage, or developing latent skills and abilities that belong to the relevant center.

As Ruumet writes:

“The overall goal of return is psychospiritual integration and involves maintaining vertical [spiritual] and horizontal [psychological] balance as much as possible, so that with each step we take towards the Divine, we take with us the fullest human development of which we are capable at that time. The idea is to leave as little unfinished business as possible, which will also make the inevitable return cycles less of a “clean-up operation” and more of a positive integrative experience. This process may be slow but it is solid.”

If, for instance, we were bitten by a dog as a young child, we might embed a deep fear of dogs in our (1st chakra) survival center, and forever deprive ourselves of a ready source of affection and loyalty. Only when we test our hypothesis that ‘all dogs are dangerous’ will we be free of our fearful reactivity.

Similarly, if, in our nuclear family, we did not receive the love and support that a “healthy” child needs, we might embed in our kinship center (2nd chakra) a lifelong distrust of others, or suffer from a crippling lack of confidence in our ability to sustain loving relationships. A return might look like gradually opening up to others, risk exposing our vulnerability in order to foster more meaningful relationships.

In the 3rd or Egoic/power center, an early lack of success in meeting our emotional needs can be perverted into a hyper-controlling, win-at-all-costs attitude that takes hostages of everyone we meet. A return to this center may mean letting go of control in favor of synergy and collaboration. On it goes up and down the spiral depending on what lessons we need or skills we need to develop.

Ruumet sums up the journey as follows:

“To grow into our fullness, to become the unique, multi-faceted human beings we were meant to be, and then to take that exquisite jewel back “Home” as our gift to the Divine, is our life’s challenge, its problem and its glory. To borrow from T.S. Eliot, May we all, with Divine guidance, “arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time”.

Aum Namah Sivayah

GOING BANANAS

“The phrase “we are spiritual beings having a human experience” is a quote often attributed to French philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, meaning that our physical lives are only one part of our existence, and our true nature is a spiritual one that transcends the physical body; essentially, we are spiritual beings temporarily inhabiting a human form.”
(AI Overview)

While lying on my mat on the lanai for the last few minutes of our online yoga class, I watched a sparrow hop ever so tentatively towards the open doors of our compact kitchen-dining-living hale (powder room, laundry, pantry…) Not knowing how aware of its surroundings a sparrow might be, I nonetheless got the impression it sensed a certain level of danger as it hopped onto the carpet, the back of a chair, then out of my line of sight, only to bolt back outside a short while later as if making a narrow escape. But, not long after, it was back looking speculatively at its new territory before I shooed it away. This little sketch recalled something Swami Radha said about evolution:

“You can see this evolution beginning in the animal kingdom with monkeys. I once saw an experiment where monkeys were kept without food for two days, then taken to a beach where some food was thrown on the soft sand. The monkeys grabbed up the food, all covered with grains of sand, and stuffed it into their mouths. Then, of course, they had to spit a great deal to get the sand out. Next, the researcher put some of the food covered with sand into the water, and the sand fell off. Some of the monkeys saw this and grabbed the food quickly as it surfaced with the sand washed away.

“Then a big basin was put into the water some distance from shore and heaped with bananas. Some of the monkeys walked on their hind legs through the water to get to it. But the moment they grabbed a banana, they reverted to their habitual way of moving on all fours, and had to run back through water with waves over their heads. Some monkeys took this chance, but there were some who would rather die of starvation. That’s precisely the human picture too. There are some people who will take the chance, and there are some others who would rather die of physical, mental or emotional starvation.” (Evolution and Maya, Time to be Holy)

In the current state of world affairs, I cannot help but look beyond the headlines to the teachings of Swami Radha and other luminaries who spent their lives studying and teaching the evolution of consciousness, lest I get pulled under by those crashing waves. Swami Radha describes it as “peeling the onion one layer at a time until you come to the essence that is you” (Ibid)

In my own experience, the mere fact that I am looking for greater insight and understanding suggests that a part of me knows there is something beyond the obvious three dimensions in which I experience my existence. (Mainly because I’d go bananas if I thought otherwise). It is difficult, but not impossible, to define this impulse towards a different way of knowing, or of navigating the confusion and injustice I witness around me, as the journey of the soul. In the introduction to Pathways of the Soul Hillevi Ruumet offers this encouragement:

“We each have our own way to wholeness — holiness — our unique way back to our home in Spirit, which our essence has never left. This journey takes us through the spiraling labyrinth of our individual lives, with many twists and turns, and occasional dead ends. Yet deep down our heart recognizes our authentic path when we encounter it, and then it becomes a matter of motivation and courage to commit to it and stay on it.”

Because there are few if any literal signposts that tell me I’m following my authentic, or soul path, I keep a journal in which to track my thoughts and feelings, words and actions which, in turn, show me how well I’m navigating that spiraling labyrinth. I can see progress when I reflect on simple, day to day choices or actions I’ve made. When I opt for healthy food versus the much-preferred chocolate mousse, I’m advocating for the health of my physical body — the embodiment of my soul journey. When I resist the urge to vent frustration or resentment, I’m advocating for my emotional maturity. When I take time to think deeply about my own and other’s opinions and beliefs, I’m advocating for my intellectual growth and development. When I go beyond the promptings of a dominating Ego, I am advocating for the wellbeing of my soul. With constructive use of my imagination, I can create a vision of a world remade. And in every way that I act with integrity, kindness, inclusivity, compassion and understanding, I’m helping to smooth the way for other seekers and spiritual leaders. That’s what I call cooperating with my evolution of consciousness.

Btw: Why are bananas, nuts and crackers the only foods that say ‘crazy’?