May 1,2026
BLOG 159
IGNORANCE IS BLISS
“It’s not about what it’s about.
“What you see is a compensation for what you don’t see.”
(James Hollis: Living an Examined Life)
On April 28 I wrote in my journal:
“Feeling anxiety about my trip to Europe. So much so that I’m doing little about it. Which compounds the anxiety. I think this is abetted by my binge watching a violent tv show at bedtime. Not sure what my fascination is with this show, except that the bad guys always lose and justice prevails in the end. [While watching] I looked up suggestions for what to wear in Paris in the springtime and believe ideas are percolating in my head even as I try to escape into mindless tv.”
For all my efforts at developing self-awareness, autonomy and personal authenticity, the above journal entry (and my general state of anxiety) is embarrassingly revealing. It reveals that I am as much a prisoner of my conditioning, or hostage to the old programs wired into my psyche, as I have ever been. At best I can observe my behavior with the relative detachment offered by journalling, and try to make independent choices based on what I know of myself in any given moment. Right now I know that I am ruled by the aspect that lives in fear of getting it wrong, in this case, compared to the notoriously fashionable Parisian women. None of whom know me. Will ever notice me. Or likely ever see me again. So who or what is driving me to create a “trousseau” of a wardrobe that I’m too panicked about to even pack?
If it’s not what I think it’s about, then what is this about? I imagine that what I wear could be some form of compensation. What better cover for insecurity than to dress impeccably? So I googled: “Why do I think I have to dress to impress?” and this is what came up:
“Dressing to impress is often a way to boost confidence, feel worthy, or secure social acceptance and validation, according to Fashion Is Psychology”… “It is a way to present an idealized social self, signaling competence, respect, and self-worth to others. It may also be a way to “trick” oneself into feeling in control.”
Ah, now we’re getting there! Travel brings up so many unknowns that I feel vulnerable in the extreme. Especially in the current socio/political climate. And with a body that isn’t what it used to be. Walking any distance is difficult for various reasons. Jet lag knocks me back far worse than in the past. Different languages and currencies, and navigating airports and train stations are all intimidating. So why the heck am I doing this???
Because my current level of anxiety is telling me I’m getting too set in my ways. My brother once famously quipped to his bouldering buddy who wanted his “blankie”: “It’s important to scare yourself once in a while.” And of course Eleanor Roosevelt offered: “You must do the thing you think you can to do.” Biking in the Lavaman relay was last year’s scary thing. This year its resisting what is resisting to travel, in me. Preparing for this trip, while simultaneously studying Hollis, has shown me things about myself of which I’d been blissfully unaware. It’s pretty hard to change a habit if I don’t know I have it. Hollis offers this:
“Under each stuck place there is a wire, so to speak, that reaches down into the archaic field and activates a field of anxiety of which we are largely unaware but that has enough power to reinforce whatever complex has been holding the line against change.”
So now I know, as G.I. Joe would say, and knowing is half the battle…
Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of leading an examined life! From Paris, no less!