PLAY IT FORWARD
“Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you.”
—Satchel Paige epigraph
(Susan Rieger Like Mother, Like Mother, The Dial Press 2024)
As all good epigraphs are meant to do, the above quote from Rieger’s book piqued my curiosity right from the start. It was reinforced when, near the halfway mark of the story, one of the characters says the following:
“Did you notice”, Ruth said. “Francis looks backward. Lila looks forward.”
This morning, while swimming laps, I contemplated the notion of living life looking forward versus looking back, or living in the past. So captivated was I by these two divergent ways of “looking” (ergo living), that I made “looking forward” the primary goal in the letter-to self that I wrote on New Year’s Eve. In fact, that was the one resolution I made until the next day, when my ever-ambitious left brain added an addendum to the letter. Out of habit, or to hedge my bets, I therein listed all the usual goals that I have yet to deliver on, despite recording similar ones on many a previous New Year’s Eve: “dust off my French language skills; lose 10-15 pounds; get fit by cycling in the Lavaman; be early or easily on time for appointments; apply myself more diligently to a writing career. Oh, and be kinder to myself in the event I do none of the above”! Same old, same old.
When I started to pay attention to the direction of my thoughts, I caught myself “looking back” more often than I might have imagined. The other night offered a prime example. While groping my way to the bathroom in the dark of night, I had a flashback to my aunt Francis, who suffered from macular degeneration in later life. I said to myself “This is how it must’ve been for Francis, navigating a world of shadowy shapes as her eyesight progressively deteriorated”. This led me down a rabbit hole of unanswered questions, regrets and sad memories. Thanks to my new resolution I realized what was happening and snapped my mind back into the present with a stern: “That was then. This is now. Where do I want to go from here?”
Since then I’ve given some thought to the “how” of keeping my attention pointing in the right direction. Checking in or watching my mind several times (or at least once) a day is one way. If I register persistent but unwelcome thoughts, I set aside some time to process the emotional content that comes up. A lot of this processing happens during my swim, when my only task is to keep breathing and staying in my lane.
Today’s attention zeroed in on how a friend had called me thin-skinned, which, I realized, I was obviously being or I wouldn’t be obsessing about that comment! With the detachment afforded by my “happy place”, a lap pool, I observed how my physical momentum slowed as my mind preoccupied itself with possible responses. Not only was the quality of my exercise compromised, but it was evident that I was looking back, figuratively speaking, and at risk of compounding the problem with a “take that!” reaction.
Talk about a tempest in a hot tub.
Cultivating the self-awareness to see what’s actually happening in and around me requires a certain degree of patience, objectivity, candor and humility. Taking the time to reflect is a first step. Having the objectivity to witness myself candidly, without the usual emotional coloring (aka defenses) of the ego is a second. From a “third person omniscient” perspective I can “locate” my own reaction in the greater context, see the other person’s behavior more benevolently (another item on my New Year’s letter addendum) and register the absurdity of the whole situation. With my emotional horses back in the barn I can decide my response, do whatever damage control is necessary, and go forward with my day, which consists of putting Christmas to bed for another ten or eleven months. Whew! Focusing all my attention on whatever task is right in front of me is another way to stay centered in the present.
As I edit today’s blog I listen to a favorite old Gerry Rafferty album that we were given for Christmas. His lyrics speak to this year’s singular resolution:
“You gotta grow, you gotta learn by your mistakes
You gotta die a little everyday just to try to stay awake
When you believe there’s no mountain you can climb
And if you get it wrong you’ll get it right next time, next time.”
Here’s hoping that I get it right once in a while, and if I get it wrong, I can always look forward to the next time…
P.S. I removed the addendum to the Christmas letter with all its aspirations and potential for failure, so as to focus on one singular, potentially life-changing goal, playing it forward throughout 2025. And beyond.
Aum Namah Sivayah