LIVE AND LET LIVE
“There ain’t no good guys. There ain’t no bad guys. There’s only you and me and we just disagree.” (Dave Mason, “We Just Disagree”)
I’ve had a few-days-old earworm of the above lyrics, the result of hearing the song repeated too often on our car stereo system, such that I’ve now decided to base today’s blog on it! Why not? It wasn’t where I was consciously intending to go, but, as fate would have it, it segues nicely into the next section of Trungpa’s Shambhala Warrior: “Overcoming Arrogance”, which I haven’t visited since veering away from his “drala principle” shortly before August’s month-long hiatus from blogging.
One of the first lines I read when back to Shambhala was the following: “One of the important points in invoking drala [the extraordinary in the ordinary] is to prepare a ground of gentleness and genuineness. The basic obstacle to gentleness is arrogance. Arrogance comes from hanging on to the reference point of me and other.”
What we fail to register when caught in this dichotomy of me-and-other is the degree to which we project onto others what is in fact our own shadow, our own neurotic patterns of thought. These thought patterns get projected onto others and we react to them accordingly, and counterproductively. When I first understood the power of projection I said to my husband: “Does this mean that when I think you’re being a jerk, it’s actually me that’s behaving “jerkily”? He was happy to get on board with that!
Our nature and nurture (ergo our survival instincts) are built around this dichotomy, which is defined as “the division or contrast between two things that are represented as being opposed or entirely different.” (Oxford Language Dictionary).
When we operate from this sense of self vs other we tend to view any sort of threat as coming from outside ourselves. What generates this sense of vulnerability is fear of pain, of rejection, of abandonment, and, in the extreme, of being ostracized from our tribe, forced out into the wilderness to suffer and die. Few of us realize that these compelling ideas come not from outside ourselves but from our own minds. As Swami Radha wrote:
“You want to survive also in your own mind, in your own judgement, in your own criticism. The idea in your mind of what you should be is a very complicated thing in itself. That you should be beautiful, intelligent, wise, six feet tall, have this nose or that colour of hair, these are all very primitive ideas, but they are very, very powerful. You want to survive in your own mind, and your own mind sets the criteria by which you want to survive. That’s a very dangerous trap. It makes difficulties and creates a lot of absolutely unnecessary pain.”How to free ourselves from this self-created trap? How to step away from our ideas about who we are and what we believe? And how the world should conform to meet our wants and needs?
In reality, we are not so different from other people, despite the superficial layers of status, gender, language, age, and race etc. In the majority of cases it’s safe to assume that the person opposing me is, in some way, feeling as threatened and vulnerable as me. Feeling the same sense of scarcity, the “lack-and-attack SOS” that our lizard brain telegraphs on a regular basis. To accept that our own mind generates these insecurities requires the willingness — indeed the fortitude — to see ourselves and others objectively. This is the purpose of spiritual practice: to transcend our limiting beliefs and habitual patterns of behavior, behind which we hide our perceived inadequacies from other people. This purpose is one of fulfilling our potential as truly human (God-embodied) beings. Some call it achieving liberation, enlightenment, nirvana.
There are many options for “stepping away” or freeing oneself from the limiting beliefs of the psyche. We can meditate on a regular basis. Label the flotsam and jetsam of our thoughts as “thinking” and let them pass like corks bobbing on water. And then, with a clear mind, be open and receptive to what’s actually happening.
Having a mantra practice allows one to funnel emotional energy into a specific set of notes and syllables that balance our mental and physiological energies. If you’re interested I’d happily help you cultivate that new habit.
Reading inspirational literature and/or consistently keeping a spiritual journal are both excellent ways to gain a fresh, unbiased perspective. When we record our “stories” on a paper or electronic journal, it’s possible to achieve a degree of detachment or objectivity that can be lacking in the heat of an emotional reaction. By reviewing our journal we can see the place where what’s actually happening ends, and where our story about it begins.
If we’re honest with ourselves we can see our twisted thinking by asking questions like: “Is this true? Is it really true, or just my version of reality? If it didn’t have to be this way, how else could it be?” Carrying on this dialogue with oneself, in writing, creates a frame of reference to which one can look back after some time has passed. Often in that extended time-frame something will come to our awareness that helps clarify our thinking or point it in a more constructive direction.
Having companions on the spiritual path is another invaluable asset. The purpose of such a friendship is not to collude with each other’s neurotic patterns of thought, but to give and receive candid feedback when we’re getting off track, or straying into our old self-destructive habits. Looking into the mirror that is another person, we can choose to own our “jerkiness” with gentleness and humility, and ultimately transcend the limiting personality that we believed ourselves to be.
However we go about leading an examined life, if our motives are pure and our intentions sincere, we will not go empty-handed. As the saying goes: “Seek and you will find; ask and you will receive; knock and the way will be opened for you.” This I know to be true.
P.S. We went to Tonga. It was awesome.