A yogini at large

Swami Vivekananda wrote: “Rise up, Oh lions, and know that you are not sheep. You are souls immortal, spirits free, blessed and eternal.”

What was he smoking???

Several times at the ashram we did an exercise called “Who am I?”, in which two people sat facing each other and one person repeated the question: “Who are you?” for fifteen minutes. No other words or cues. Just: “Who are you?” Their partner then wracked their brain to come up with fifteen minutes-worth of relevant answers. Normally I don’t mind talking about myself non-stop, but the first time I did this exercise the fifteen minutes, or even two or three, felt interminable. I quickly ran out of familiar identifiers: “female, wife, mother, sister, friend, seeker, writer, landscape tinkerer” (I was getting desperate) and then a kind of panic set in. My partner’s implacable expression and relentless: “Who are you?” questions were deeply disconcerting.

Ultimately I exhausted all my options and settled into a sense of simply being “conscious”, being “an observer”, “experiencing” sensations and scenes unfolding around me. Pure consciousness.

The fact is, life is full of fleeting sensations and subtle changes that mostly go unnoticed. Even the more noticeable shifts — day to night, season to season, year to year — follow such predictable patterns that I take them for granted. And their rhythms to be everlasting. With or without me, the “show” must – and does – go on. So what could Swami Vivekananda have meant by “souls immortal, spirits free, blessed and eternal”?

You’ve probably heard the expression: “We are souls (or spiritual beings) having a human experience”. I googled that expression to see to whom I should credit it, and came across many entries saying the same thing in a slightly different way. If it weren’t for the fact that I wanted to finish this blog for my self-imposed Monday deadline, I’d have gone on a tangent reading about all the ways people have interpreted this statement. But alas, Monday is only hours away and the unsolved mystery, or unanswered question remains: “Who am I, really?” Who are you?

What if I am a soul? On a soul journey? And – the kicker – what difference would it make to know that in my bones?

As you’ve probably guessed by now, I don’t have a definitive answer to the “Who am I”, or many other pressing questions. But I know that by simply asking, by writing them in my journal, exploring them with friends – or via the internet – I am expanding my awareness and enriching my life. Maybe I’ll never plumb the depths of my psyche, (if I’m even meant to) but the journey has given me a sense of purpose and meaning, and of adventure. There’s always more to explore.

Anyway, Who wants to be a sheep?

“Ask yourself these simple questions: Where do I need to grow up, step into my life? What fear will I need to confront in doing so? Is that fear realistic or from an earlier time in my development? And, given that heavy feeling I have carried for so long already, what is the price I have to pay for not growing up?”

James Hollis wrote the above in his book “Living an Examined Life”, which is described as “an invitation to your soul’s calling”. I gravitated to the title because it echoed my goal for this blog, and for my life. Entering my seventh decade compelled me to ask similar questions of myself. I wanted to fulfill any untapped potential. Understand the purpose of my life. Make the most of the time left to me. Contrary to what Calvin, of Calvin and Hobbes cartoon fame, would say: “Short-term stupid self-interest” is not the secret to happiness. So I search for purpose and meaning. Something more nourishing. More satisfying and long-lasting than the shiny objects that our consumer culture promises.

There is always debate about whether humans have a “higher” purpose than, say, getting through life in the safest, most comfortable way. The debate goes something like “Life is hard enough. Why go looking for trouble?” “Because I’m restless and unsatisfied.” “Why?.” “Because I’ve got a sense that there’s something more, or better, or entirely different than what I’m “buying”. “Why?” “Oh, never mind…”

“Just.Do.It!” I admonish myself, because there’s nobody else to put me to bed on time, force me to go out for a bike ride or maintain a healthy diet. I have to strap on my big girl shoes and follow through with what I said I intended to do. Even if I’ve only a vague idea what I want, or what I’m trying to achieve. So, with no indisputable proof that I have a higher purpose, a soul journey or particular destiny, I decided I’d just have to follow my own “road-less-traveled” and see where it leads.

Like travelers and explorers of old, I keep a journal to chart where I’ve been (in case I happen to be going in circles and might, by retracing my footprints, escape this Minotaur’s maze of my own making. How’s that for alliteration?!).

Who does not know what it feels like to be going in circles? Lewis Carroll wisely observed: “If you don’t know where you want to go, then it doesn’t really matter what road you take.” Going in circles is pretty much the same as spinning my wheels, taking no road at all, or any road, by default. So perhaps it’s time to ask “Where do I need to grow up, step into my life?” What would that look like? What Minotaurs are blocking my path?”

Your questions, goals and growth opportunities may be different than my own, but to pursue them in my journal with self-honesty and humility is the beginning of my soul’s journey. Rather than getting caught in circular debates about the meaning of life, how much better to make a decision – by my own volition – of where I want to go, what I want to do, and who I want to be? I want to plot and follow my own particular path. My soul’s journey.

Are you with me?

“Am I willing to travel uncharted seas of the mind?”

With these words Swami Sivananda Radha closes the chapter on “Powers of the Cakras” in Kundalini Yoga for the West (Timeless Books 1978). Having reached somewhat of a turning point in my life, aka turning seventy, I found myself looking to Swami Radha (who initiated me into her lineage in 1995) for inspiration to carry me through however many years I have left on planet Earth. Not just carry me through the way drugs and alcohol might do. (Though with COVID it’s tempting to go that road.) Or more tame pursuits that are a repeat of where I’ve already been. Something of more substance and intrigue, as the study of Kundalini yoga has been for the past quarter century. In fact it’s no exaggeration to say that the Kundalini book, and the teachings I received at Yasodhara Yoga have got me where I am today. Along the way I have earned a Masters Degree in Transpersonal Studies (more on that later) from Sophia University in Palo Alto, California, which taught me, among many other things, that there are as many paths to fulfilling one’s human potential as there are people to tread them.

Walt Whitman wrote: “To know the universe as a road, as many roads, as roads for traveling souls…” so too I believe myself to be on a soul road or journey, and one that goes, by necessity, through the uncharted territory of my mind. Whitman’s poem closes with these lines: “But hail your fellow travelers from a distance. Don’t try to catch up and keep step. Yell ‘cheerio’ across the fields but stick to your own particular path. Be it paved, or grass, or just plain old dirt. It’s your path, and it suits your make of boot.” (End quote) So, for the past half dozen years I have been a yogini at large, one who has diverged from my “spiritual birthplace” in Yasodhara Yoga, and stuck to my own particular path of family life as a spiritual discipline and practice.

The pilgrim’s path, implied by Whitman, is seen as a solitary one, and indeed there’s nobody who can tread my path but me. That said, perhaps because I am a wife and mother whose role as matriarch (aka Air-Traffic-Controller) of a multi-generational family is fast becoming redundant, I am starting this blog in hopes of sharing my journey with other seekers of meaning and purpose. Thomas Merton wrote: “To live in communion, in genuine dialogue with others, is absolutely necessary if one is to remain human. But to live in the midst of others, sharing nothing with them but the constant noise and the general distraction, isolates a [person] in the worst way, separates [him or her] from reality in a way that is almost painless.”

Until it isn’t painless. Until it throbs like a primitive drum beat at the core of one’s being. Demanding more than a bridge or golf score, a high net worth statement, PhD or trip to Tahiti. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as materially-minded as the next guy. (Or gal, but “guy” rhymed with “minded”). It’s just that achieving some degree of the “success” that is vaunted in the west has not brought me the peace, harmony and ease of well-being that my inner drummer is seeking.

So, am I willing to travel uncharted seas of the mind, with humility and curiosity? Yes, yes, and yes again.

Are you?